I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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