I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
