The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
