ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
