Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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