I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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