im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
time to smoke my breakfast
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He felt like a one man threesome
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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