My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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