I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
