hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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