my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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