I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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