just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
