You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
