Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
