How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
