I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
