we have pet lesbian snakes
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
