I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
