You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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