They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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