i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
