The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think I just sharted jello shots
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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