Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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