I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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