Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
