If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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