apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
