Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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