Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
