i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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