she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
