Yo dont text me then not text me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
