Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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