i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Someone came in the potted fern
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
