you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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