its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize