I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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