literally had 100 drinks last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
