if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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