i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
