Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish I only lived at night.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
