My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
