He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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