Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
