she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
