I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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