Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
