blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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