you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
