i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
