Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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