Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
