I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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