I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
