Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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