you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
