I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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