tell your sister to shave her snatch
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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