im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
