one two three fourrrrnication!
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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