He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
