Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
