I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
