my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
