no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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