i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
