Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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